i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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