Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
