My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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