she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize