now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
