I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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