He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
too bad you live with your parents still
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
