dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
