My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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