Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
