I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
