at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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