I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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