Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I still have a little drunk in my system
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
