Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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