It's Friday. Sex?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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