once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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