Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
