Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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