DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize