The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
