community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
