Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
