Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
