Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I didn't notice because vodka
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
