I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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