I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
