your parents love me but you hate me
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
try to milk me bitch
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