3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
