dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
