there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize