i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
