I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You took a bar mat shot.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
