I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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