The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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