; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
