The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
