I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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