I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
