I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize