12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
