i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
