***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
