explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize