never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize