there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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