Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize