I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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