I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
