i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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