There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
