Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
