I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
