I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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