meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
