A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
