Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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