I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
