im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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